a woman accosted me in a coffee shop, and it prompted this post
“you don’t know what I’m going through”
I was writing at my local coffee shop. Typing away as usual. Just a normal Thursday afternoon burning the midday oil. Nothing special. I’ve never really had a problem at this coffee shop. Until this day.
For context, I struggle to sit still for long periods of time. Writing this book has forced me to, but it’s not my default setting. I always have to get up and go on walks or just fiddle around. I envy those who can go into flow state and just write/read/be productive for endless hours on end. After 20 minutes, I’m looking around, fighting the urge to go on my phone or just people-watch.
On this day, a woman to the left of me, who I’m sure had the most well-mannered intentions, keeps waving to get my attention. We are sitting at those side bar window desk things that Costa has. The ones that are just a long strip of polished wood with high stools that offer your back no support.
I take my headphones off to ascertain why she was flagging me down. Let’s play a little game. What do you think she was coming to talk to me about?
I was in a rush to leave the house that morning, so there was something on my face.
She wanted to ask what I was typing so furiously on my laptop.
She had seen one of my TikToks and was coming to gas me up small small.
None of the above.
If you said D, you would be correct.
“Hi, sorry, can you stop that kicking thing you are doing?”
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Now that seems like nothing. I was kicking, but only because I had been seated for about an hour and was getting restless. I was hitting the bar at the bottom of the table, and I guess it was distracting her. Fair enough. I apologised and kept it moving. Well, clearly I didn’t because I’m writing this post.
Fun fact: I started writing this post no later than 7 minutes after the incident happened. Had to get it all out of my system while it was still fresh. I even had to close the tab as she walked past to leave.
I had no issues with her comment. It’s a communal space, and I was clearly irritating her. I didn’t do it intentionally, but it clearly hit a nerve. That wasn’t my issue. My issue was that if this had happened 24 hours earlier, it would have been my 13th reason. If she had said that to me the day before, I might have gotten up and left. I was stressed beyond stressed. If I were to list out all the things that had happened to me in the past week, she would probably start crying herself.
But it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know. And it made me think of the Instagram post below:
How many times have we (have I) given someone a bad interaction, not knowing the ordeal they’re facing internally? How many times has someone treated you badly without thought to what you’re going through? I’ve had too many to count. Most from unassuming people.
At any given time, you don’t know the battles someone has faced and what they have overcome.
Empathy doesn’t start at the point of knowledge. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt starts from the assumption that you doubt that their intentions were malicious or ill-intended. Don’t get me wrong, some people are punks and should be dealt with accordingly. But others are just dealing with something that we all can’t see and would appreciate a bit of grace now and then.
Humans are fragile. Handle them with care.
The people you see on the train, interact with at the office, have the unfortunate pleasure of calling your neighbours aren’t Evri parcels. You can’t just toss them about anyhow. Do most deserve it? ABSOLUTELY. But even if you don’t know what’s inside, you must treat it as fragile. Even if it doesn’t have the label or the box it’s in doesn’t give you an expensive vibe, it’s still valuable.
“I’m not a $@&#%?&! so no one can chat to me anyhow”. We get it, you’re the big boss, so no one can cross you. Not to say you should tiptoe your way through life trying not to step on landmines, but don’t go trying to blow everything up.
As I Grow Older, I give people the space to make mistakes. I’m more considerate (well, I try to be – don’t always get it right) to those around me and understand we’re all going through something.
Like the woman who stopped me at the coffee shop, who didn’t know what I was going through, I must be patient with her because I don’t know what she was going through. We’re all going through something.
Love, Peace & Blessings,
Abs
PS: If the girl who told me to stop kicking ever sees this post, I’m sorry I was disrupting your work. You disrupted mine, so I guess we’re both even.
Thoughtful. Enjoyed this read 🙌🏾
Great read! “Empathy doesn’t start at the point of knowledge“ - my favourite line, thank youu!