it takes a village to raise an adult

the importance of community

After the toil and torment that is the tertiary education system, you realise that friendship is heavily formed upon the idea of proximity. In the days of old, there was no need to arrange FaceTime calls and iMessage catch-ups when I could effortlessly waltz over to your house at 01:47 am on a random Tuesday. Half-baked deep conversations that ended with premature promises and plans for a joint podcast that never seemed to materialise.

Adulting is hard. I have to give my friends two months’ notice before even the slightest thought of missing them surfaces. Finding a date that works for everyone feels like an employee who has been requesting a mid-year appraisal for months, from a line manager who never seems to have the time. Links up can’t be confirmed until everyone checks, double-checks, and triple-checks their calendars. Even the most meticulously planned excursions can be ruined by last-minute interruptions. Family crises, train strikes or the occasional “Wait, were we meeting up today? Totally forgot, my bad”. Or the selfish few who have decided to leave the single life behind, and now divide their time between their friends and their significant other like we are in the middle of a custody dispute.

@carlabezansonAnd i truly wouldnt have it any other way #fyp #foryoupage

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I wonder how our ancestors used to plan link-ups and get-togethers. If the head caveman (a.k.a. the leader of the group) told everyone around the campfire (the GC) to meet up at the watering well (Shoreditch probably) so they can hunt down a woolly mammoth (find a good restaurant) and end the night with some impromptu cave drawings (sip and paint).

Edit: Upon reflection, that was a terrible joke

Community is key. And you are the community you keep. But when the community is scattered and distant, the impact and benefits of community seem to wither away slowly. Now we find fellowship in our phones and a sense of belonging in whoever’s video speaks to us the loudest.  

I get so frustrated when I see tweets about shutting everyone off and doing life on your own. Don’t get me wrong, human beings annoy me too. Sometimes I have to resist the urge to slap everyone. Regardless, it doesn’t mean you should treat life like a solo Call of Duty mission.

Sidenote: I haven’t played a single minute of Call of Duty or Modern Warfare (they might even be the same thing, I don’t know) so I hope that reference was correct. Does COD have missions? Do you do them solo? Is it multiplayer? Who knows…..

It takes a village to raise a child

They say it takes a village to raise a child. I believe the same goes for adults. I’m the product of people who continue to believe in me and pour into me even in the toughest of times. People who show grace, offer a helping hand and positively steer me in the right direction.

I look around and realise that some of my actions, decisions and views on life are because of the people I’m around. For the first time, I can honestly say that I’ve moulded my life and the people I relate with to model the life I want to live. But that leads me to my next point...

You get to frame and craft what your community will look like. You

Community isn’t just your secondary friends, or your work colleagues, or your uni flatmates. Community can’t just be about convenience. Because when they fall through or start exhibiting behaviours that are contrary to your ethos, now you have a crisis.

Seeing my older cousin’s uni experience, I always thought I was going to leave uni with a solid tribe. 4/5 black men with 1.5 skin fades, who work in Canary Wharf for corporate capitalist institutions. Men of God who all buy houses together, get married in the same season and travel the world. These times my closest friend from Warwick has a fro, is doing his PhD and blocks your number when you mention marriage (love you Cal).

Community is the formulation of people from different groups and spaces who come together to form your “people”. Your village. They don’t all have to know each other. But they make up the people who form and influence you. Community keeps you grounded and reminds you that there are always people willing to set you straight when you’ve gone off the rails.

It takes a village to train up an adult in the way they should go and even when they are old they will not depart from it.

I think this is quite self-explanatory. The only people who might have an issue with this are those who hate mixing friendship groups at their birthday meals. I promise you, it won’t be awkward for Josiah from St. Bartholomew the Third’s Holy Covent of the Perpetual Tears Primary School and I to sit next to each other.

I guess this is a call for everyone who wants to lone wolf their way through adulthood. Hurt from past experiences, burdened by busy schedules and overwhelmed with life in all its glorious forms. Community still needs to be prioritised. Run back to the safety that comes in numbers. Find yourself in community. I’m running out of words here but maybe in another post, I’ll talk about how to form community.

As I Grow Older, I’m sending that “hope you’re good” text a lot more. I’m making more of a conscious effort to fit central London catch-ups into my calendar. I’m using the “busy” excuse way less. Not perfect, but at least trying.

To all my friends that haven’t heard from me all year…. life’s tough, we go again in 2024.

But to everyone else, I challenge you to identify one person in your community. Reach out to them and request a catch-up before Christmas. Whether over the phone, on Facetime or in an overpriced coffee spot in a newly gentrified locality of London.

Sidenote: We’re reaching the stage of life where we’re trying to save and plan for the future. I’m not broke but there is definitely a price on friendship. I can’t be doing up four-figure link-ups in a cost-of-living crisis. Community shouldn’t come out of my savings. Let’s all be guided.

To all the people I love. One day I’ll make it worth your while

Love, Peace, and Blessings

Abs.