student without a sensei
my search for a mentor
Three things:
The writer would like to pay homage to Kingsley Appiah, the first mentor I ever had when I was at the tender age of 13/14. He taught me humility, service, and generosity. Thank you for all your wisdom and guidance and if you read this, I hope you’re well.
The writer would also like to point out that everything mentioned here today isn’t a dig or an indirect towards anyone in particular. Love and hate you all equally.
Finally, if I’ve ever asked you to mentor me and you said no or didn’t take it seriously when I blow I will deny you like Simon Peter. Just thought I would say that.
Now enjoy.
Typical kung-fu or fighting movie. Broken kid. Broken home. Broken dreams. Meets a strange old man in a street alley, or boxing ring or any dodgy place these Netflix writers could think of. He trains him up to be potentially one of the best fighters around. All is well.
Or so we thought. Sensei and student have a falling out and they both painfully part ways, or, the teacher believes that the student has outgrown his guidance so leaves his pupil to fend for himself. The film ends with our protagonists teaming up again to defeat the forces of darkness or to learn a valuable lesson about family, friendship, standing up against evil, blah blah blah.
Box office hit. Sundance Film Festival winner. Oscar nomination. That kind of vibe.
I say this because recently I’ve been thinking a lot about my “sensei” or mentor. This is the first time in my life that I’ve gone so long without a recognisable mentor. I’m having conversations with people around me and it seems like everyone can easily pinpoint who their mentor is.
I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy or anything like that but more FOMO. I want the bi-weekly check-up calls. The intentional correction. Just someone relatable to look up to I guess.
And I think there’s a bag full of reasons I don’t have a mentor right now. Firstly, just like the black London dating scene, it’s in the mud and the options are far and few in between. Let me explain.
When looking for mentors, character is more important than achievements. The latter is a Tower of Babel that will never be finished if its foundation isn’t good morals and standards.
When I was younger, I was more in tune with mentors and "olders" who had accomplished things that I could only dream of — especially going to a uni where you see third years, recent graduates, and alumni holding the cheat codes to excelling in life. Everything they touch turns into gold. As a naïve 18-year-old, I just wanted the formula. Now I realise that this was a poor metric to choose a mentor based on.
Yes, they’re working in one of the biggest banks or consulting firms and could probably pay my uncle’s mortgage. Maybe 10 Downing Street is their second home, and you don’t need any sanitiser when you shake hands with [insert whatever British prime minister hasn’t resigned or been arrested by the time this is released]. They may have all the charisma and prominence of a leader or an emphatic speaker, but they’re a crappy person. And that’s not what I’m trying to be or emulate.
How do they talk to restaurant staff? How do they treat their partner? Are they egotistical? What do others say about their judgement, their character? What are they like when all the lights are off and they aren't centre stage? All things to look out for.
I’m not a stray dog. I won’t just allow anyone to come and adopt me. I will comfortably say no to a mentorship request if it doesn’t align with my life, vision, and values. I want a Mr Miyagi, not a John Kresse.
Jacket on, Jacket Off kind of discipline/principles.
Correction may also be another reason/issue for me.
I would like to say I’m a teachable person but I’m very much a “watch the way you talk to me” and “I know YOU’RE not talking” kind of guy.
I’ve had a lot of people who I would consider as mentors or at least big brothers very much “son” me or treat me in an extremely condescending manner. When I was younger I would have it but now… Lord have mercy on anyone who chats to me anyhow.
It’s important to be teachable but even more important to have boundaries. We’re too old to be taken for a mug by anyone and anything.
And my final reason has to do with time and availability.
From the time guys are replying to me in 7-8 working days after I wanted to know what kind of cologne they wear; I knew the game was rigged.
I understand it’s a busy world where people have varying responsibilities, roles, and requirements but when you’re young, hungry, and have an appetite for growth, the bare minimum you want is commitment.
Mentorship is something I take seriously. As I Grow Older, I understand the importance of accountability not just from peers but from people older and more mature. One day my future wife will ask who I am accountable to and if I just present to her the mandem, I’m sure she won’t be best pleased.
But as always, I need to practice what I preach. There are two guys that I could consider to be good mentors for me going forward (for time and effectiveness reasons I can only really pick one). One has the life and the pathway I want to go down in terms of family, life, financials, ministry etc. The other has more of the character I want to embody such as humility, Godliness, and creative and emotional intelligence.
Need to pray about it and decide on one. Hopefully, by the end of September. I will let you know how it goes. This student is tired of being sensei-less. Every Timothy needs a Paul.
Love, Peace, & Blessings
Abs.